PUB TROUBLESHOOTING CHART

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Fault: Glass Empty
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face
Action: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror

Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points towards the ceiling

Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Fault: Improper bladder control
Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about it's house training. Demand beer

Symptom: Floor blurred
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer

Sympton: Floor moving
Fault: You are being carried out
Action: Find out of you are being taken to another bar

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with flurescent lights
Fault: You have fallen over backwards
Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar 


Misc Horrid Jokes:

A plate of Bacon and Eggs walks into a pub. 
The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast." 

Two blondes walk into a bar... You'd think one of them would of seen it? 

A bloke walks into a pub and the barman says to the man: 
"Mate, you've got a steering wheel down your pants." 
The man replies "Yeah, I know. It's driving me nuts!" 

A man walks into a pub holding a ferret, whips his nob out, 
and holds the ferret to it. The ferret bites down, the man pokes it in the eye and it let's go. 
He looks around the bar and says "Now is anyone brave enough to try that?"  
Then this puff stands up and says "I will if you promise not to poke my eyes out." 

A man walks into a bar, slips on a big pile of sh*t and lands on his arse. 
The barman says "Sorry pal, I've been trying to clean that up all week but it won't budge.  
What'll it be?" The man orders his drink and starts chatting to the barman.  
A second man walks into the bar and slips on the same pile of sh*t, skidding up to the bar.  
The first man casually looks at him and says "I just did that five minutes ago," 
so the second man turns around and punches him. 

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arms and says: 
"Pint please, and one for the road." 

A tramp walks into a pub pushing a barrel organ. 
He starts to grind a tune while his monkey holds out a tin cup. 
Then the monkey jumps on the barmans shoulder and starts poking his little penis in the bartmans ear. 
Try as he might the barman can't get the monkey loose. 
The man turns to the tramp and says "Hey! Do you know the monkey is screwing my ear?" 
"No" says the tramp. But if you hum a few bars I'll pick it up!"