These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster
named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey and fell into it

"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas, and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced. Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills;that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8 Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. FRANK ------ (editor's note Judge #3 was unable To report) [Note from Rock: Good thing I didn't make my Habenero Chilli for them! Judge #3 would have simply exploded!]