A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest.
They were looking for
people to submit quotes
from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
some of the submittals...
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business.
4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it.
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for
months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's
time to tell them.
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what *I* say."
8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled
for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to
miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change
her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees."
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He
said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for
12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was asked to
prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In
the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical
used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the
executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told
the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I
asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?)
working in her
company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that
fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly
reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy
of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would
care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out -directing us
that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be
used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with
policy, I created
my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a
large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to
promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business
focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the
expectations of quality!"